Wednesday, May 20, 2009

wanting freedom

Do you ever have days when you want your hubby to lavish his attention and appreciation on you for no reason? Today is one of those days. I picked a fight with Chad this morning. Ugh. How lame does that sound? It was over something stupid. "I want you to appreciate that I bent over backwards to make your life easier yesterday." Dumb. Did I really bend over backwards? No. It was a slight inconvenience to have to call the shuttle to take me to the dealership to pick up our rental which is...get this...a silver PT Cruiser. Total dork mobile that smells that a Diaper Genie after diapers have been festering in it for months. (Yes, I have experienced that smell before.) I wanted him to make a big deal out of it. Or the fact that I literally did 9 loads of laundry yesterday while keeping the rest of the house spic 'n span. I don't know what I expect. That is the hard part. Do I want him to do cart wheels when he gets home? I don't think so? Why do I feel like everything I do isn't quite good enough? Oh man...that is it. It is something I have struggled with for years. Something that God has been chipping away at for 2+ years. My feelings of inadequacy. That I don't measure up to some invisible standard that no one puts me up against but me. To constantly judge yourself is exhausting. To constantly read things into things people say is exhausting. Chad will ask "What did you do today?" and I instantly think he is mad that I didn't get something done. The dishes aren't done. The bathroom sink is dirty. Our room has clothes all over it. I get defensive. He gets irritated. It is a vicious cycle that we have been in because of these nasty lies that I have been believing about myself for years and years. Ugh. I am exhausted.

Jesus, help me.


Chad said...

Manda, my beautiful, sexy, quirky, love of my life. I love you more than you can imagine and I OH SO appreciate your extremely hard work lately. The house has looked fantastic and its all because of you. I know that a public forum like this might seem dumb to apologize but Im sorry for being impatient with you this morning.

Ill be home normal time ... with a tub of Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream. Make sure you have two spoons ready to go. :)

meredith said...

awwww.....i love virtual make-ups! :) i have a little tear right now. and a i need to come home w/ a tub of MCC for my lovey?? :)

you guys are awesome!

Stefunkc said...

Okay, how precious is he? That could have been me writing those same words. Well, except for the diaper genie part. I think all stay at home moms deal with that from time to time. We have an amazingly hard job and it sounds like you're doing a wonderful job!

Bethany said...

Manda... please know that you are human and definitely NOT the only person that feels like this. I do the same thing and it IS exhausting.

Luckily, you are married to a wonderful guy who knows how wonderful YOU are! It all works out... some way, some how!

Mucho hugs from the Lou!

haverlee said...

Yes, Diddo, I completely agree!! I too think I'm being judged when Jon gets to the dishes in the sink before I do!! Sheesh.