Do you ever have days when you want your hubby to lavish his attention and appreciation on you for no reason? Today is one of those days. I picked a fight with Chad this morning. Ugh. How lame does that sound? It was over something stupid. "I want you to appreciate that I bent over backwards to make your life easier yesterday." Dumb. Did I really bend over backwards? No. It was a slight inconvenience to have to call the shuttle to take me to the dealership to pick up our rental which is...get this...a silver PT Cruiser. Total dork mobile that smells that a Diaper Genie after diapers have been festering in it for months. (Yes, I have experienced that smell before.) I wanted him to make a big deal out of it. Or the fact that I literally did 9 loads of laundry yesterday while keeping the rest of the house spic 'n span. I don't know what I expect. That is the hard part. Do I want him to do cart wheels when he gets home? I don't think so? Why do I feel like everything I do isn't quite good enough? Oh man...that is it. It is something I have struggled with for years. Something that God has been chipping away at for 2+ years. My feelings of inadequacy. That I don't measure up to some invisible standard that no one puts me up against but me. To constantly judge yourself is exhausting. To constantly read things into things people say is exhausting. Chad will ask "What did you do today?" and I instantly think he is mad that I didn't get something done. The dishes aren't done. The bathroom sink is dirty. Our room has clothes all over it. I get defensive. He gets irritated. It is a vicious cycle that we have been in because of these nasty lies that I have been believing about myself for years and years. Ugh. I am exhausted.
Jesus, help me.