Thursday, July 15, 2010

acceptance or settling?

I am a fat chick. I want to be skinnier. I want to be able to walk into J. Crew and buy a cute little dress off the rack and know I will be the cutest thing ever wearing it. Have you seen fat chick clothes? They are so NOT cute! You either dress like a hoochy hoo or a frumpy grandma. Thankfully there are stores like Old Navy that have "extended" sizes (XXL in the regular section) that fit or can actually be too big. Hallelujah!

I am 35 now and losing weight is not as easy as it was 10 years ago. Will I ever be disciplined enough to eat healthy all the time and to exercise every day? I slip up for two days and the scale shows it....slowing creeping up. It is frustrating and really freaking maddening. I was thinking about my success last summer and how I walked on the treadmill every day. I was up to walking 3 miles a day. I felt great. I actually enjoyed exercising. What is up with me this time? Besides the fact that in a moment of pure stupidity I sold the treadmill to make room in the office for our school room. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. I want to get another treadmill or an elliptical (Anyone have one they want to get rid of? I have cash.) I realize that I need to be able to do something at home. Or I was thinking of doing water exercise classes but that involves joining the Y which is stupid expensive for a family. Ugh.

So I have all this running through my mind and then I just want to give up the idea of being skinnier. How wrong is it to be okay in my skin as a fat chick? Am I just fooling myself so I get out of doing the work? Or am I really okay with myself? Is it okay to wear a tank top and to show off my chubbo arms in all their glory....stretch marks and all? Am I okay with wearing a skirt that shows the jiggle on the inside of my knees as I walk? I DON'T KNOW!!!  I have been shopping for Florida clothes the last couple weeks and I have picked up a couple things that are definitely more revealing than most of what I would wear in my every day life. I have a couple tank tops that I think are uber cute and then I found a smocked sundress that is so freaking cute. I love it! It will be so cute to wear as Chad and I wander the little shops in FL and have lunch by the ocean. Would I dare wear it here where I might run into someone I actually know? So goes the struggle of my wardrobe choices. And please don't get me started on swim suits. I don't think I can handle it.

5 comments:

The Kimlers said...

Manda,

I'm sorry your struggling so much with this weight thing. I know I might be a little younger, but i'm not a small lady either. I ADORE ON!!! As much as I see of you on here, but more read about, i think you're a beautiful woman- regardless of weight or size.

I also know this is random,as i read this earlier i thought about something extra i accidently purchased. I bought the same dress(size XXL) twice. Silly me. I would be happy to mail it to you as soon as #2 arrives. Its cotton, white and green striped, and would be MORE than happy to email you a pic. I wore mine today two ways, and i can't believe how comfy and cute it is. if you want, here's my email!
cassiekimler@gmail.com!!

Iowa Sunshine said...

Manda - I'm sorry you are struggling with all of this. Hopefully writing through some of it can help you better understand the underlying stuff and how to take the best care of you. You sound excited about the new tanks and dress, so wear them with pride ... you may be afraid of judgement around home, but I think it is *awesome* to pack stuff for you and your husband to enjoy! live in the moment :)

Michalle said...

There's a lot to be said for being happy with who you are. I am 100 pounds overweight. I have been trying to lose even 10 pounds for the last 5 years. I had this big goal of losing all my weight in time for my 30th birthday. With that event only 6 months away, it is not feasible. And I decided that, while not ideal, I'm okay with it. I'll wear tanks and skirts and shorts and whatnot. Because I still find myself pretty. I think if you carry yourself with confidence, you are beautiful. And I see you as the kind of person that can rock a serious case of confidence.

Losing weight IS important for health reasons, no doubt. But while you're in the process of figuring out how to put one foot in front of the other on that journey, enjoy yourself NOW. Play up blah plus-size wardrobe with funky accessories, cute shoes and hip handbags. I have ONE pair of jean shorts. ONE pair of dress pants. ONE pair of capris. Cause that's all I can find to fit. But hot damn, I'll have the zebra print patent purse with glitter flips and a huge zebra ring. My personal motto? "Do you." You can borrow it. ;-)

CK said...

Manda, I am struggling too. And I feel the same way sometimes. This baby weight does NOT want to come off. But sometimes I wonder how much I really want it off since I can't make myself do the work to get it off. Anyway, just so you know, it is $77/month to join the gym for a couple with kids. We joined and I really like it. AND I WON'T let myself cancel it because then I won't exercise... All that to say, we should be accountability partners or something so we can't slack off.

Becka said...

Well if I ever decide to get rid of the treadmill that you sold to me... I'll sell it back to you! Maybe we could do joint custody - you have it one year, I'll take it the next. I honestly haven't used it as much as I'd like, mostly during the winter when I was prego. Have probably put a total of 20 miles on it. Ha!