Monday, January 26, 2009

ch.ch.ch.changes

This has been the month of major changes in how I live my life. I am exercising 5-6 days a week. I am up to walking 3 miles on the treadmill going 3 miles an hour on a #3 incline. Thankyouverymuch. And I am making a concerted effort to watch what I eat and to make healthier eating choices. I don't drink soda of any kind. I have cut out all caffeine. I drink water and skim milk. I don't indulge in much sugar or dessert. (If Chad hadn't decided to be a cookie baker all this month I would be able to say I haven't had any dessert.) I grab veggies for snacks and I limit my portions (well, except for the night out with the girls. he he he.) I feel really good physically. I am sleeping better. I have more energy. I can tell I am losing weight besides knowing the number on the scale.

Mentally is another issue and I am not sure it has much to do with my physical changes. I am not sure where I belong. I am not sure what my passions are. I am not sure of my purpose. The obvious thing to say is "Well, your purpose is to spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ and to live in His glory." What do I say to that? I am not sure. It is a calling that I have not felt. I am not bursting at the seams waiting to tell the world about my Saviour. And why not? I have no idea. I am on a journey that I feel lost on. Maybe I am not supposed to know my path quite yet. Maybe God is preparing me for something and I just need to soak Him up right now. Will my path be something exciting like traveling around the world to third world countries to spread the Good News? Or am I just supposed to be a minister in my home and in my everyday life? And is that necessarily a bad thing? What about my passions? I don't even know what those are anymore. I love live theater. I was on stage or preparing to be on stage everyday of my high school life. I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT!! That was 15 years ago and I don't know what to do with it. Is that still my passion if I have stuck it in a closet? What do I do with it now? Where and how is God going to use me? Am I too scared to surrender completely to His will fearing rejection and judgement from my peers? What am I afraid of? I am afraid of not living up to my God-given potential and yet I am paralyzed by fear of man. Lord, help me.

3 comments:

b.a. said...

wow, yeah.
i hear all that.
no great, insightful comment from me. just know, i hear ya. :)

Bethany said...

I hear you too. I think being a minister in your every day life is awesome. How wonderful to teach your children to love God!

You'll find it when you're meant to find it. Check into working at the Playhouse or volunteering with a school!

You're too awesome to hide under a bushel!

Cin said...

You are a rock star.

Does DMCS have anyone doing theatre with the childrens?

Still no prom dress. [/angst]

*love*